The journey so far

Since the East Coast Ride with IBR, life has been a pack of mixed emotions, did few interesting projects, learned new skills and met new people.

This blog is more on my experience of finding a partner through matrimonial sites and family connections.

So I have entered into the 30's my professional life started falling in place, the big question that was in my parents and relatives mind is “Yeh ladka shaadi, kab kare ga?”

Interestingly my parents were so overwhelmed with the above question that one evening while a close family friend was home my dad decided to spend around 30k on matrimonial site subscription, he was certainly overthinking which is why he probably ended up buying subscription for 99 years, not just for me but the next two generations that follow. Obviously I was not amused considering I could do so much with that money. But his insecurities were justifiable. Still 30K??

Coming to the entire process of finding a partner and starting a conversation. The first question is where do you start? What is a good topic? And what do you tell the person in the first 1 min? And more importantly what do you want to learn in the next few mins to help you take a decision?

So many questions phew!

Tales of the women I have met so far, CA, MBA, and Consultant.

The Chartered accountant – Firstly hats off to her for being amongst those rare achievers to have managed to complete CA. Since she was one of the first person I was speaking to, I was quite casual while she came across quite guarded and I felt like she was assessing me similar to reviewing an IS/BS.

We were both in the financial services space and had clients in the US, we had our respective evening calls with our US stakeholders and found little time to talk to each other.. We were in different cities as well, this long distance led to a gap, and we failed to establish a rapport.

Of-course I still felt meeting someone through parents was a far easier path than going to matrimonial sites, so I invested more time on this person and even ended up buying a book she wrote (impressive right, me buying the book).. It was a self-help book targeted for 13 – 20 year old.

Quite mature of her I initially thought, but then are we late 20 year olds who come from a protected family qualified enough to impart knowledge not having fully understood life ourselves. After all, if we knew everything we would have invested in relationships we had while in college or early years in work life and not be dependent on our parents or matrimonial sites. But nevertheless no regrets on that, one moves on

 The MBA graduate – Before I had started talking to her, I received feedback from friends who had successfully cleared this phase of life and advised me to create a list of questions to ask and helped me prepare my responses to questions I might be asked.

Again a family friend introduced us, this time it was like a job interview. I had a pre-round with her relatives in Bangalore. Spy photographs were taken, like I did not know and selfies were clicked while I was playing the good boy. With my parents all convinced “Yahi hai who ladki”. Good family, educated, understanding, family has a business, everything is perfect was their opinion. I was more apprehensive on things.

So I called the girl, still quite new to this process, I was again trying to find common ground. And she was more direct, my understanding is the more prospective partners one talks to, the more transactional these calls become.

I was told by the following girl I met (Consultant), she met someone who came with list of questions he found through a google search (I hope I do not get there).

Coming back to the MBA graduate, 15 sec into the call, she asked me “Hey so what are you looking in a partner and why do you want to marry?” I was not prepared for this just yet as, I wanted to get to know her hobbies her future plans and even evaluate if I can have a conversation with the person before jumping into why I want to get married.

I was taken aback and responded with a diplomatic answer. Her questions only became more direct, and I became more guarded. We were unable to find a common path. I would always initiate conversations and she responded to them. I felt discomfort on always having to initiate a conversation.

I sought advice from a friend he told me, if she is not initiating a conversation, she is probably not interested and move on, I agreed with his view. My parents did not, as they felt she might be shy and more over they were convinced she is the girl.

I was certainly getting pushed from home, a big question that was running in my mind was, what her future plans are? I knew she was not working, but I wanted to know if she planned to do so in the future or was interested in doing something else.

There was some misalignment when it came to hobbies as well.

Since things were going slow with her, and parents were convinced they were pulling out new cards from their purse, like talking to the family friends and astrologers who would tell me how perfect she is.

My only concern was what her future plans are, she had none and of-course it became obvious she was not interested so we ended the conversation.

Consultant – One of the things you get used to being a consultant is looking at your calendar and making sure it is updated. Meetings can be unproductive activities but they are important, so we keep our calendar updated and ensure we setup meeting time even for catching up with our colleagues even though we might sit beside each other.

It was a busy weekend for me, I was working on a PoV, numbers got exchanged and I called her on Saturday while I was on my way to the office. We started off well, light conversation on what I do, where I work. She suggested we meet on the same day and an unconscious response that came out was “my calendar is packed today. How about tomorrow? As there is nothing planned” quite embarrassing otherwise she saw humor and laughed it out. Big4 effect.

We met the next day. Starbucks it was, as I had my latte she preferred not having anything. To my defense I did ask her more than once. The conversations surprisingly went well, we spoke about US sitcoms, House of Cards, travel, life in US etc.

Me being myself (I am actually quite reserved) and if I am talking to you, be rest assured there is a significant amount of effort I have put in starting a conversation. Anyway got home and was being interrogated by mom and sister. I was telling them she is a nice person and we share a lot of common beliefs and values.

While I was talking to mom and sis, she messaged and we began talking. Over the next few weeks we met and spoke. Even did a Koffee with Karan rapid fire round. She certainly felt I wasn’t opening up enough, but I am a reserved guy and usually only talk when spoken to or when I am a few drinks down. I realized just like me she is a non-smoker but enjoys hookah another commonality. After a few puffs I was more relaxed, so we further spoke and realized there are few more commonalities.

Things were going well, she left on a seven day trip with strangers. Oh I got offered to accompany her. I wanted too, but then, I got to know her through my parents hence I decided to take a rain check.

For the next seven I was in deep pondering mode, exploring the pros and cons. I guess she was probably doing the same. She had a few concerns I was just not reacting to them. As I felt there will be sufficient time to respond.

Upon her return we texted a few times she seemed less interested, I wanted to get to know her more and thought shopping might be a good idea. Since I was still recovering from viral fever and was in no position to drive. I asked her to pick me up and we went to a mall here in B'lore. I did observe she was being a bit distant.

So I knew something was up, I was low on energy and could not stay out much hence she dropped me back home.

There was a long weekend coming up and I saw it as an opportunity to catchup. Before that could happen we spoke and she felt I was a good friend and not a suitable partner.

I knew this was coming, I had a few of my own concerns, also I realized since she has already decided it was best to move on.

Marriage to me is quite a sacred relationship and if we cannot accept a person today with limited know-how, we might not be able to in the future.

So I moved on and shifted to Matrimonial sites

Matrimonial sites

Since a 30 k investment was done and my dad was tired of the spamming in his inbox it was time for me to take over.

He created a profile while I was in the U.S. and oh boy in the about me and about my family sections he first wrote about himself and then later introduced me. It was like he was sharing all his accomplishments and qualities and then saying, hey by the way, it is my son whom I am looking to find a partner for.

As I saw the profile it was time to add some jazz to it and do the following

Things I needed to do

• Improve profile content
• Add candid images
• Setup a governance model with dad

Getting candid images was a challenge as I am usually the one taking pictures and I do not like taking selfies or randomly asking people to take my pics. But to create a good profile I needed better pics of me.

I went for a day drive to Mysore with dad, as I realized through that trip he isn’t a good photographer and his timing is a bit off, when it comes to taking pictures.

So I thought, I know some amazing photographers in IBR, should I ask them? Since I had not been on a ride for a long time, the joy being on the road will settle my mind, while a byproduct would be getting snapped.

There was a ride to Kerala happening, I signed up for it but slots were taken, two days before the ride got an invite for the ride, as a rider had personal emergency and had to cancel.

There were other things on my mind as well, so wanted to ride, we rode through the beautiful state of Kerala, and I went trekking and yes got a lot of pictures taken of myself.

So this week, I cleaned up my profile and added a few images as well, all that is left to do is send out interest messages saying “Looking for a suitable match for my son. If interested please contact Axxxk Sxxh – 966xxxxxx5”

Let the search begin

Few images from the ride